When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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