but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
