Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize
