you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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