cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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