so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
