Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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