I think scott just propositioned me for sex
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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