He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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