There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
