so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
