Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
