im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
