What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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