When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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