I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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