I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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