Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
