Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
