If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
