Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
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The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
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Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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