so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
