My hand turned me down
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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