I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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