i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
It's official drugs can't kill me
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
