there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Boobs are out for the taking
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
