God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
