I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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