Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
