I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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