You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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