you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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