Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
