you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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