marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
