I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize