No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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