Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
