home. puking in laundry basket.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
