when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
