i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
4 words: hood of his car
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
