btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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