we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
