Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
