i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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