omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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