You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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