Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
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My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
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You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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