So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
