When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
