I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
What a dumb baby whore.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
