worst night to have a conscience
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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