I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
